The Main Reason Changing Your Life is Tough

Many of us have things we’d like to change: our exercise and diet habits, procrastination and productivity habits, patience and mindfulness habits, quitting bad habits, decluttering and finances, reading and learning and doing all the things we want to do in life.

But very often we fall short of our hopes.

What’s the problem? Why do we struggle with these changes?

There are lots of reasons, some of them external … but the main reason that it’s difficult to stick to these changes is actually internal.

The main reason changing our lives is hard: we get in our own way.

How? Our thinking is the problem. See if you’ve done any of these:

• You mess up or procrastinate on your habit changes, and then are harsh or critical on yourself.
• It’s time to do what you set out to do, but then you put it off and look for something easier. You go to distractions.
• You are doing something uncomfortable but then look for a way out, tell yourself you can’t do it.
• When you’re doing something hard, you stress out about it, setting unreasonable expectations and agonizing about whether you can do it.
• You fantasize about how this will turn out when you meet your goal, but then worry and stress out about whether you will hit that goal.
• You feel bad about yourself, doubt yourself, beat yourself up … and this prevents you from even taking action.

I think most of us have done these at some time or another, often without even being aware of it. We get in our own way, make things more difficult than they already are.

Why We Get in Our Own Way

Why do we do this, if we’re just making things harder? These are old patterns, built up over the years, that are coping mechanisms for dealing with difficulty.

The reasons we go to the patterns mentioned above:

• We have lots of uncertainty or discomfort about the task or project, so we look for a way out, and start to rationalize and look for something easier.
• We create high expectations (our goals, ideals, fantasies) and then fear not meeting those expectations (more uncertainty).
• We don’t believe in ourselves because we doubt whether we’re good enough to do it (uncertainty about ourselves).
• Being harsh on ourselves for procrastinating or messing up is a way to deal with the uncertainty that arises when we do these things.

So some kind of uncertainty arises: about ourselves, about how we just procrastinated, about how this project will go, about how to go about doing this task, about whether we’ll meet our goal.

Then we react to this uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty by being reactive: by being critical of ourselves, stressing out about it, procrastinating and seeking distraction, rationalizing why we should quit. These are old patterns, how we cope with the discomfort of uncertainty.

It doesn’t feel good to take these actions, but it’s a natural reaction to the scary feelings of uncertainty. There’s more comfort and certainty in our distractions, running away, self-criticism, harshness, stories about not being able to do this.

The discomfort of uncertainty is what we want to get away from. We get in our own way by trying to get away from feelings of uncertainty.

Getting Out of Our Own Way

So how do we stop getting in our own way?

By getting out of our way.

When we notice that we’re procrastinating, seeking distraction, being harsh or critical, rationalizing quitting or putting something off, stressing out about not being able to do something … we should pause. Just notice what we’re doing.

Then think about how we’re just making things harder. We can make things more effortless by not reacting to the uncertainty.

Instead, notice the feeling of uncertainty in your body. See that it’s there and that you want to get away from it or get control of it. Stay with it and see that it’s just a feeling, nothing to panic about.

In fact, by practicing the mindfulness of staying with discomfort and uncertainty, we can learn to be comfortable with uncertainty.

As we do this, we can just turn back to the task and act. Just simply be with the task, and just take action. Just do.

If we’re procrastinating with a writing task, we can just stop running and instead allow ourselves to feel the uncertainty. Then just start writing, without worrying about running from uncertainty.

If we are beating ourselves up because we haven’t done a good job sticking to a plan, we can notice that we’re being harsh, and instead allow ourselves to feel the uncertainty about ourselves. Then just start again on the plan, letting go of what happened and starting afresh without stress.

If we are stressing out about not meeting a goal or expectation, we can notice that we have uncertainty about this goal, and just stay with it. Then just take action on the goal without worrying about the expectation.

Notice the uncertainty and our desire to run. Stay with it and don’t run. Then act, with gratitude and a smile. We don’t have to get in our way, things can be no big deal.

My Dealing with Struggles Course

If you’d like help with getting out of your own way, I’ve just launched a new video course called Dealing with Struggles, and I invite you to join me for four weeks.

It’s two video lessons a week, and mindfulness exercises to practice with each lesson. You’ll also be able to ask me questions that I’ll answer in videos and articles, and discuss the lessons and your struggles with other participants in a Facebook discussion group.

In addition, I’m offering five bonus ebooks that I’ve written:

1. Beginner’s Guide to Mindfulness
2. Essential Zen Habits
3. Little Book of Contentment
4. The One Skill – How Mastering the Art of Letting Go Will Change Your Life
5. Focus: A Simplicity Manifesto in the Age of Distraction

I hope you’ll join me.

An Intimate Retreat to Create Mindfulness, Life Change & Magic

One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever experienced was opening my heart and making powerful, intimate connections with 20+ strangers in the cloud rainforest of Ecuador last year.

It was this experience of connection and vulnerability, mindfulness and reflecting on life purpose, that inspired me to create my own live, intimate experience: the Zen Habits Mindfulness Retreat in San Francisco (April 21-23, 2017).

I learned through my cloud rainforest experience that when people come together wanting to change their lives, willing to be open and share, to open themselves to reflection and learning … magic can happen. That’s what I’d like to help create in April.

The retreat I’m creating is aimed at teaching you key mindfulness skills that can help you transform your life.

I’m limiting it to 16 spots, to keep it intimate, so I would get your spot immediately if you’d like to attend.

What This Retreat is About

It’s a 2.5-day retreat that focuses on:

• Mindfulness practices
• Using mindfulness to deal with our struggles and old patterns
• Finding joy and gratitude in life
• Seeing the underlying goodness in ourselves & overcome dissatisfaction with ourselves
• Dealing with uncertainty, developing trust in the process
• Finding what happens when you have no escape

Through these practices, we’ll help you develop tools that can lead to the changes you’ve been hoping for.

We will learn different types of meditations and practice exercises that help us work with our struggles.

We will also explore San Francisco a bit, putting our mindfulness practices into action in the real world, through:

• Mindful tea tasting
• Mindful chocolate tasting
• Delicious vegan food
• We’ll go on an easy hike
• We’ll form connections with each other to support our life changes

I’m so excited to have you join me in one of my favorite cities in the world, working on things that have changed my life completely and that I hope will change yours as well.

The Power of a Retreat

Why go on a retreat? Because in our busy lives, we don’t often have time to step back and look at the big picture.

In this retreat, we’ll be taking time for ourselves. For our happiness and for developing a more mindful life. For understanding how our minds work and how we can start to effect change.

This is something we don’t take time to do, because we’re so busy … by signing up for this retreat, you’re saying that it’s important to take time out for yourself, to work on these issues and to find a better path. You’re saying that you’re important enough to find the time to work on this.

I invite you to make the time, and work with me.

Change Your Life

A lot of us feel stuck in our lives, not able to break out of our old patterns … we have difficulty:

• changing our habits
• being more mindful
• finding our passions
• overcoming our fears and doubts
• finding happiness with ourselves
• connecting to others
• dealing with anxiety and frustrations
• being patient
• and more

This retreat is about breaking through those patterns, understanding why they have such power over us, and finding a mindful path into new territory.

If you go through this retreat with the ability to break through those old patterns and change your life … would it be worth it to you?

Discounted Price for the Retreat

The retreat includes:

• Accommodations (sharing an AirBnb apartment with other participants, with your own room)
• Meals (gourmet vegan food)
• Activities (workshops, tea tasting, chocolate tasting, hike)

It does not include your flight to San Francisco.

UPDATE: Retreat is sold out.

Questions & Answers

You might have some questions … here are a few answers:

Q: Who is this retreat for?

A: It’s for someone who is willing to take a weekend to change their life. Someone who has been struggling and is open to practicing mindfulness and changing mental patterns. Someone who is ready to let go of old patterns and embrace new ones. Someone who is willing to put in the work for better habits and a transformed life.

Q: Are airfare or accommodations included?

A: Airfare is not included, you’ll need to book tickets on your own. Accommodations for the two nights are included, where you’ll be staying in an AirBnb apartment with other participants.

Q: What if I don’t like vegan food?

A: I’d suggest bringing an open and flexible mind to the retreat, and the food we’ll be eating is pretty delicious, and it’s included in the cost … however, you are free to go off and explore on your own, and buy your own food. In that case, you’ll be missing out on group meals, unfortunately.

Q: Can I book two retreat spots with a shared bed with my partner or friend?

A: Sure! In this case, book two spots. Then email us to let us know you want to share a Queen-sized bed with your partner or friend, and I’ll refund you the cost of an extra bed.

Q: I just bought a spot, now what?

A: There is a PDF download that came with your purchase, please download and read that for more info. We’ll also be sending you a few emails over the next month, please read these and reply with your info!

Q: What do I need for this retreat?

A: A notebook and pen for notes, layered clothing for San Francisco’s fluctuating weather, and an open and flexible mind. A willingness to change and practice. An open heart. Toiletries.

Undone: How to Change Our Procrastination Patterns

Procrastination starts from an avoidance of something from fear, then becomes a pattern that hardens into a habit.

We reinforce this procrastination habit through years of practice, and it hurts us in so many ways in our lives — not only with work tasks, but much more.

The procrastination habit affects:


Life quotes will help you to gain more awarness in your life.

• Dealing with our finances head-on
• Health habits (putting off exercise, for example)
• Dealing with our health problems (putting it off makes it much worse)
• Relationships (putting off difficult conversations)
• Creating, art, meaningful work
• Decluttering and simplifying
• Being on time (and being late can cause us stress)
• Learning new things

And much more. Those are just some of the most visible examples, but we procrastinate all day long, by checking our phones, favorite websites, email, messages, news, watching TV, playing games, and … well, you all know your favorite procrastination techniques.

So the question becomes, how do we stop hurting ourselves, after all these years? How do we start to unravel our hardened procrastination habits and create more helpful patterns?

The answer is to start thinking of these hardened patterns as grooves.

The Grooves of Our Habits

When you first procrastinated, you didn’t have a hardened pattern. You had a choice. You could do your homework (or pick up your toys, perhaps), or you could put that off until later and do something else that’s perhaps more fun.

You felt fear or resistance with one task, which made the other option more appealing. You chose the easy route, and that felt good in the moment. There was immediate reward. There was difficulty later, but that was something future you had to deal with.

All other choices like this were rewarded with immediate gratification. So by repeating this choice over and over, you start to wear a groove into the ground. After awhile, the reward isn’t even needed … the groove becomes so much easier to follow, and getting out of the groove is so much harder. The longer we keep sticking with the groove, the harder it is to change.

Habits are grooves. You stick to the old ones, until you’re willing to put in the effort to get out of the grooves and make new choices.

How do you get out of the groove you’ve made? Conscious effort.

How to Change Your Patterns, or Get Your Groove On

The steps of breaking out of a groove are simple, but they require concentrated effort:

1. Decide that you’re tired of the old groove. The old groove isn’t serving you. It’s hurting you. When you decide you’re tired of hurting yourself with this particular patterns, you’re ready to change. Assess whether you’re ready right now.
2. Commit to conscious change. When you’re ready to stop hurting yourself with the old pattern, make a commitment to practice and to be very conscious in changing your groove. Making the commitment to someone else, or a small group of friends or family, is a powerful way to commit.
3. Set aside time for deliberate practice. You’re not going to change your groove haphazardly. You have to practice consciously and with deliberate effort. Set aside a small practice period each day — just 5 minutes to start with. Don’t put off the task of blocking off your practice period — remember, you’re deliberately practicing a new pattern! I recommend 5-10 minutes every day of the week, first thing in the morning before you check email or your phone or computer. Have a reminder where you will see it first thing in the morning.
4. Set an intention for your practice. Before you start, tap into your reason by remembering why you’re practicing. In what ways is this hurting you in your life? Is it hurting your career, health, happiness, relationships, finances, meaningful work, your loved ones? Set an intention to practice in order to make these things better.
5. Set yourself a task. Pick something you’ve been putting off (but perhaps not your hardest or most uncomfortable tasks to start with). Commit to doing that task for just 5 minutes.
6. Let yourself do nothing else, and watch your patterns. Sit there and do nothing but that task, or do nothing at all. Notice when you have the urge to switch to something else, to get up and get away. Those are your old patterns showing themselves, which in itself is hugely valuable. But just observe the urges, without acting on them but also without judgment. They’re just urges, just feelings that arise, not anything to worry about. Just watch, don’t act, just sit and face the urges. Then return to the task. Over and over, until this is your new groove.

It’s possible to create new grooves, new patterns, that serve you better. I’ve done it dozens of times in my life, perhaps more than a hundred in the last decade. I’m no stronger than anyone else, and so if I can do it, you can too.

The Undone Course

I’m launching a new video course today in my Sea Change Program called Undone: Reprogramming the Procrastination Habit.

I invite you to join us in this 4-week course, by joining Sea Change today.

Sea Change is my monthly membership program for changing habits, learning mindfulness and changing your life. Each month, we focus on something different, and this month it’s procrastination.

What you’ll get with this course:

1. Two video lessons per week
2. Exercises to work with your procrastination patterns mindfully
3. A challenge to do these exercises a short time six days a week for the whole month
4. A weekly check-in for the challenge so you stay accountable
5. A live video webinar (for Gold members) and the ability to submit questions for me to answer

I encourage you to join me and have your efforts to change your old patterns be supported by me and more than a thousand other Sea Change members.

Three Practices for the Overwhelmed, Stressed, Anxious

Many of us feel overwhelmed by all we need to do, and it can be downright stressful.

I’d like to share three practices to take you from overwhelmed to just whelmed.

You can’t eliminate stress, anxiety or the feeling of being overwhelmed from your life, nor would you want to. However, you can see them as wonderful places to practice some amazing things that will help in all areas of your life.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed or anxious … you can do one or more of these three practices:

1. The Practice of Training in Uncertainty. When you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it comes from a feeling of uncertainty. We don’t know how things are going to go, we worry that we can’t do it all, we don’t know how we’re going to do with any of it, we’re uncertain that we’re good enough to handle all of this. Uncertainty. Our minds don’t like that feeling, and we want stable ground under our feet, something solid, certain, or reassuring. Unfortunately life never gives us that reassuring certainty. So we’re always running, always trying to cope with the uncertainty by doing as much as we can, making lists, finding the perfect software or system, running to distractions. Instead, we can train our minds to stay with the uncertainty, and gradually become more comfortable in this state. And then we can be at peace in the middle of chaos. Read more about this practice.
2. The Practice of Letting Go. When we’re stressed out, it’s because we’re attached to something — attached to doing everything, attached to how people see us, attached to meeting a goal or deadline or reaching some outcome, attached to our self-image. What if we could let go of these attachments, and just be in the moment? Things would suddenly become easier. Luckily letting go is something that’s within our power. Read more about this practice.
3. The Practice of Doing Just One Activity. Our minds are stressed and overwhelmed because we’re thinking about our uncertain future … but what if we learned to trust the present moment? What if, instead, we just fully immersed ourselves in the activity before us? This is actually a letting go practice, and it’s also a being-fully-present practice. Just fully be in the activity you’re doing, just one activity. Just read this post. Just answer this single email. Just wash this one dish. As if it were the only activity and the most important activity in the world. Because it is. Read more about this practice.

These are all transformative practices, and you can practice them one at a time or one after the other (in the order above, most likely).

Each only takes a moment, but they can transform your world. Try them, with love in your heart, and see a deep trust in yourself start to grow.

The Antidote to Self-Harshness & Resentment

There are two poisons that have hurt me so much over the years:

1. Self-harshness — I have so often been critical of myself, harsh on myself, about all my little failures, that this harshness has become one of the biggest things holding me back.
2. Resentment – I’ve increasingly become aware of how I have a mental pattern of resentment that hurts my relationships, especially with my loved ones. They don’t behave the way I want, so I notice myself feeling resentful that they couldn’t do things differently.

The truth is, these are the biggest problems for most of us. We don’t love ourselves the way we are. We don’t love others the way they are. And the harshness that results is painful and harmful to us and the people we love most.

How do we deal with these two poisons?

There’s a simple antidote. It’s not easy, but it’s pretty simple.

It’s a habit of loving that which we normally dislike.

In fact, this small habit can transform all of our problems.

Imagine for a moment that you’ve been procrastinating (I know, a stretch, just go with it). You’re running from something that makes you uncomfortable, and you go to your favorite distraction instead. What if, instead of running from the discomfort and uncertainty — you gave them some love? You wouldn’t have to run. You’d face the uncertainty with love, and just work in the midst of it. (Btw, I have a course on reprogramming procrastination going on right now, join my Sea Change Program to practice with me.)

Imagine that you have anxiety about something coming up (let’s say a presentation). You’re afraid of the presentation, because you have uncertainty about how you’ll do. You want to get away from this uncertainty. What if you practice loving this uncertainty? You might not feel so anxious. What if you gave some of that good love to your feelings of anxiety as well? You wouldn’t be harsh on yourself about being anxious.

It’s easier said than done, of course. So how do you get better at it? Practice.

Antidote Practice

Here’s how to work with this practice:

1. Imagine a good friend or loved one, someone who you can love whole-heartedly with ease. Send this person some love right now. Wish for them to be happy. Love them just as they are, in all their wonder. Now here’s the important part: notice where in your body you feel this love. This is your Love Muscle (it’s not dirty, get your mind out of the gutter). Practice some more, so that you can call up this feeling of love, from your Love Muscle, at will.
2. Now turn your Love Muscle onto something about yourself. Notice something about yourself that you like. Work the Love Muscle, and love this thing about yourself.
3. Practice on something you don’t like. Now try turning the Love Muscle onto something about yourself that you’re usually not fond of. You know how to use the Love Muscle by now, so give it a shot. How can you love this thing about yourself just as it is? Imagine a good friend who is having a hard time, who is flawed … can you love that good friend? Can you produce the same feeling of love about this part of yourself? Try it with different parts of yourself, both physical parts and mental/emotional parts of you.
4. Practice on other people. Notice things about other people that you like. Send love to these things. Now notice things that you don’t like. Send love to these things as well. Practice on people all day long.
5. Practice when you feel resentment. When you notice yourself resenting something about another person, or resenting their behavior … send love to this part of the person. Love them as they are. Exercise your Love Muscle. Send love to the part of you that was feeling frustration or resentment.
6. Practice when you’re feeling harsh on yourself. Whenever you notice yourself disliking something about yourself, send love to this thing about yourself. Send love to the part of you that dislikes the other part.

Basically, you can practice all the time. Over and over, reminding yourself and practicing.

You can practice on everything:

• When you have been lazy or procrastinated, notice the feeling of harshness or disappointment that comes up in yourself. Give this feeling your full attention, and all of your love.
• When you eat too much, or eat junk food, notice the feeling of pleasure but also guilt. Give both these feelings your love.
• When you are interacting with someone and they annoy you, notice the annoyance. Give some loving to this feeling of annoyance, and to the person who is annoying you.
• When you’ve been distracted all day, maybe feeling a bit anxious … notice the feelings of being distracted, of rushing, of anxiety. Love these feelings with all your heart.
• When you notice your heart shutting down to someone, or to some experience, notice what it feels like when your heart starts to shut down. Love this feeling of shutting down, and love the thing you’re shutting down to.
• When you’re meditating and feeling like you’re not good at it, notice what not being good at it feels like. Turn to that experience and give it some love. Love the part of you that is attempting this at all.

And so on. Every experience, every feeling, every person, every aspect of life … you can love it as the Dalai Lama would, as Jesus would, as the biggest-hearted Goddess of Love would. You are practicing loving life itself. And that’s something worth falling in love with.